Went to see "Star Wars" on Christmas Eve, and was sooooo disappointed that afterwards I went to Walgreens and bought a 2# box of Whitman chocolates...and ate it all up within an hour. Pathetic. By Christmas day I was realllly in a funk. Yes, I know exercise will cure that, so when Scott texted that he wanted to postpone our workout til 11:30 or Saturday, I said "fate, see you next Wednesday." Then eat pasta, pasta, pasta; then get on the scale to see if you've crossed the line back up to over 200. OOps, not quite yet.
It's very clear to me that all this is anger. Life's not fair. So what? Something new? Why take it out on yourself? Unless the real you, deep inside, really DOES want to weight 300# and never leave your bed? Really?? Don't think so. Really. I suspect the real you wants to be moving all the time. Probably ought to go for a bike ride even if it is only 32 degrees. Dress for it, for God's sake. It's not even snowing!
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Ben & Jerry's Banana Split
Which I sampled (which means ate the whole pint) night before last. Oh well. Yesterday I had my normal eggs for breakfast, but for the rest of the day ate nothing but COOKIES. Is that it for December?
Monday, December 21, 2015
A Focus Wheel
Just ran across this on FB: If you've lost hope...
This is a method of focusing on the essential being (thanks Tolle!) is interesting. It reminds me that I believe the essential me is healthy and strong and is not the fat, lazy sloven that the Ego's memory evils have led me to.
Anyway, still hangin' in there.
This is a method of focusing on the essential being (thanks Tolle!) is interesting. It reminds me that I believe the essential me is healthy and strong and is not the fat, lazy sloven that the Ego's memory evils have led me to.
Anyway, still hangin' in there.
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
On a roll!
Still hangin' in there! and dropping weight, a few ounces a day. I'm doing the ketosis plan but trying not to obsess over carbs--meaning if I go over 10%, I don't have hysterics. I'm also trying not to be so frugal; let's face it, Grocery Outlet frozen chicken breasts aren't the same as those from Whole Foods. I can't afford to (well the diet can't afford to) taste something, say ICKKK, throw it away, and look hungrily at the almonds. Nor can I afford to remember that the last time I prepared a frozen Jenny-o turkey patty, I gagged and tossed it (well, gave it to Obi). Because when I remember, I can't bring myself to prepare another one! Which is what happened last night. So my dinner ended up being a second 1/4 cup of almonds and an ounce of cheese. This is not the best choice for dinner.
Exercise has dwindled down quite a bit, only around four hours a week for the last four weeks. It's been very cold, so who wants to get up and go? Although at tennis yesterday, there was Camille in shorts and one of my skimpy tennis tops playing with folks wearing long pants, long sleeves, ear muffs, hats, and mittens--I kid you not! (This fact does not, however, make it any easier to get up and go!)
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A NEW EARTH: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. I think it's helping because when I feel what he calls the "pain-body" (all those awful memories that have colored one's reactions to triggers in the present) creeping in, I remember (or try to remember) that that isn't me, that's my pain-body.
It's also helping to be working on the Eldercize nonprofit. That's a hard one to explain, but I think it has something to do with letting go of some other pain-bodies relating to self-esteem. I remind myself that I don't need anyone to tell me what to do, that I already am capable and knowledgeable, that I have everything I need to accomplish this, and when I need help/advice, I can get it without other pain-bodies trying to make me feel stupid or incompetent. All I have to do is re-enter the NOW. Extremely helpful. And if in the NOW, I'm being very lazy, that's ok, too, because it is what it is.
Exercise has dwindled down quite a bit, only around four hours a week for the last four weeks. It's been very cold, so who wants to get up and go? Although at tennis yesterday, there was Camille in shorts and one of my skimpy tennis tops playing with folks wearing long pants, long sleeves, ear muffs, hats, and mittens--I kid you not! (This fact does not, however, make it any easier to get up and go!)
I'm reading Eckhart Tolle's A NEW EARTH: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. I think it's helping because when I feel what he calls the "pain-body" (all those awful memories that have colored one's reactions to triggers in the present) creeping in, I remember (or try to remember) that that isn't me, that's my pain-body.
It's also helping to be working on the Eldercize nonprofit. That's a hard one to explain, but I think it has something to do with letting go of some other pain-bodies relating to self-esteem. I remind myself that I don't need anyone to tell me what to do, that I already am capable and knowledgeable, that I have everything I need to accomplish this, and when I need help/advice, I can get it without other pain-bodies trying to make me feel stupid or incompetent. All I have to do is re-enter the NOW. Extremely helpful. And if in the NOW, I'm being very lazy, that's ok, too, because it is what it is.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Back on the wagon?
It's possible I'm back on the wagon, AND I only gained one pound in the last 30 days. Truly amazing.
Maybe it's because I've been working very hard on my nonprofit project (Eldercize). Working always wires me up. I've accomplished an amazing amount of work in the last week.
I'm also reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Tough going.
Maybe it's because I've been working very hard on my nonprofit project (Eldercize). Working always wires me up. I've accomplished an amazing amount of work in the last week.
I'm also reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose. Tough going.
Monday, December 7, 2015
Waaaay Down in the Dumps
Yesterday I ate six donuts...and I don't even like donuts!
This binging. It's like an anger thing, a childish thing, a fu** you thing. And then the next morning I get on the scale to see how badly I've screwed myself and ask, will today be the day I snap out of this thing?
I'm obviously very depressed.
This morning I asked myself to go back and trace the descent. Is this the kind of thing where one itty bitty bad decision escalates, snowballs? Or is it the weather? Or is it karma? Or is it that I stepped on a crack and broke my mother's back? Or is it that the moon is in retrograde of Venus? Unfortunately, I think it is it just what it is. The unknowable.
Some of my friends find it admirable that I can go so long and do so well. How do you do it? they ask. Hell, I don't know. Just like I don't know how I CAN'T do it when I can't. I DO know it has nothing to do with "willpower." Please don't give me any credit. Certainly it's not an act of will. I loathe the word "willpower." Totally don't believe in it.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the key here is acceptance. I'll let go of the anger and stop binging when I accept. Accept what? Accept that life is what it is, not fair, not good, not bad, not a novel, not logical, not purposeful, not ordained, not...anything. (I guess I'm an existentialist.) The problem with that, acceptance, is that--and as I recall, such is also the problem with existentialism--if I do 'accept,' I'll find no reason to continue to endure life. For me a purposeless existence is painful.
Actually my life is not entirely purposeless. Yesterday and the day before I spent a number of hours in 'purposeful' activities--I put in many hours creating my friend Paula's "best Christmas in years" by teaching/supervising/facilitating/assisting her in creating CDs of her mother's recipes and photographs as presents for her relatives.
I also put in an hour or so doing computer stuff for my friend Pat. I set her up on my laptop so that with just a touch of the up/down arrows she could page through her son's Facebook pages. And I took photos of some of her rock memorabilia and placed an ad in Craigslist for her to sell them, and browsed Ebay to show her competitive prices of the stuff.
And probably most 'purposeful' of all, I took Obi to visit my friend Karen at The Terraces. And I took her a Jamba Juice too!
That should be enough, don't you think? Apparently not.
Humm, just realized. THEY came to me. Paula asked for my help...well, no. She told me about the problem, and I volunteered the solution. Pat DID ask for my help. So, ok, the universe SENT me the purpose. The solution is that I need to find the purpose within myself.
The only thing going on there is Eldercize, my newly created nonprofit to deliver exercise classes to the elderly in the facilities where they live. No wonder I'm depressed. What a challenge that is: no one helps me, no one funds me, no one responds to me. I KNOW this is a correct thing to do. In 10 years (just like the strollers for running mothers were), this will be mainstream.
Oh well. Maybe tomorrow I'll get out of bed.
This binging. It's like an anger thing, a childish thing, a fu** you thing. And then the next morning I get on the scale to see how badly I've screwed myself and ask, will today be the day I snap out of this thing?
I'm obviously very depressed.
This morning I asked myself to go back and trace the descent. Is this the kind of thing where one itty bitty bad decision escalates, snowballs? Or is it the weather? Or is it karma? Or is it that I stepped on a crack and broke my mother's back? Or is it that the moon is in retrograde of Venus? Unfortunately, I think it is it just what it is. The unknowable.
Some of my friends find it admirable that I can go so long and do so well. How do you do it? they ask. Hell, I don't know. Just like I don't know how I CAN'T do it when I can't. I DO know it has nothing to do with "willpower." Please don't give me any credit. Certainly it's not an act of will. I loathe the word "willpower." Totally don't believe in it.
I have a sneaking suspicion that the key here is acceptance. I'll let go of the anger and stop binging when I accept. Accept what? Accept that life is what it is, not fair, not good, not bad, not a novel, not logical, not purposeful, not ordained, not...anything. (I guess I'm an existentialist.) The problem with that, acceptance, is that--and as I recall, such is also the problem with existentialism--if I do 'accept,' I'll find no reason to continue to endure life. For me a purposeless existence is painful.
Actually my life is not entirely purposeless. Yesterday and the day before I spent a number of hours in 'purposeful' activities--I put in many hours creating my friend Paula's "best Christmas in years" by teaching/supervising/facilitating/assisting her in creating CDs of her mother's recipes and photographs as presents for her relatives.
I also put in an hour or so doing computer stuff for my friend Pat. I set her up on my laptop so that with just a touch of the up/down arrows she could page through her son's Facebook pages. And I took photos of some of her rock memorabilia and placed an ad in Craigslist for her to sell them, and browsed Ebay to show her competitive prices of the stuff.
And probably most 'purposeful' of all, I took Obi to visit my friend Karen at The Terraces. And I took her a Jamba Juice too!
That should be enough, don't you think? Apparently not.
Humm, just realized. THEY came to me. Paula asked for my help...well, no. She told me about the problem, and I volunteered the solution. Pat DID ask for my help. So, ok, the universe SENT me the purpose. The solution is that I need to find the purpose within myself.
The only thing going on there is Eldercize, my newly created nonprofit to deliver exercise classes to the elderly in the facilities where they live. No wonder I'm depressed. What a challenge that is: no one helps me, no one funds me, no one responds to me. I KNOW this is a correct thing to do. In 10 years (just like the strollers for running mothers were), this will be mainstream.
Oh well. Maybe tomorrow I'll get out of bed.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
New Doo, New Month, New Motivation?
I hope so!! November was a disaster. Yesterday, I got a hair cut from Dustin, and of course he immediately recognized that I'd lost weight. Then! When I expressed concern about hitting the next mark, I got bombarded with "just keep your mouth shut!" He (skinny of course) told me that when he's feeling "fluffy," he cuts back. If having a sandwich for lunch, he'll cut it in half, eat half, and (like BAN) wait one full hour before eating the second half--IF he still wants it. Anyway, I spent an extra $120 for the color doo in hopes that it'd inspire me!
Mucho complements, but just look at that middle!!!!
So I went online exploring my options. I'm a life member of Jenny Craig, so I looked there first. I even planned a week's menu; but then I had to cancel because I just couldn't face all those carbs--including bread, pasta, etc. plus mucho desserts.
Then I looked online for any pre-made entrees in the low carb genre. So I discovered Atkins now makes frozen meals and even has a web site to monitor yourself. Next stop: Safeway. I bought up!!! And there was another low carb brand--Eating Right--so I bought some of their dinners also. Shoot, I forgot to look for Atkins bars--just to see their nutrition label.
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