1. Why?
2. How long will I stay there?
Well, the Why? maybe hitting 223 on the scale, saying "wow, this is the most I've ever weighed." I always kinda feel like a little kid, cutting of my nose to spite my face. "It's not fair!" "I can do what I want!" "You can't make me!" Lots of anger and resentment. But finally my adult intelligence comes into play, and I think of Gilbert Grape's mother (Darlene Cates) again...
If you see yourself gaining a pound a day, how can you not realize that in less than a year you'll weigh 400# just like Darlene. Is B&J THAT good? Hell no! B&J really isn't even that good! (I'd started to prefer plain vanilla!!!)
My friend Bob Squared always said, to my great annoyance, "You'll feel better if you lose weight." But my problem with weight was that it has never had an effect on how I felt--psychologically. I KNEW losing weight would not make me feel better in the only way that mattered to me!! Sweets make me feel better...at least for the length of time I feel sweetness in my mouth.So everyone knows that eating sweets makes a person feel good. (In desperation I resumed taking Prozac a month ago, so I haven't been feeling b*a*d, but neither was I ever feeling good.) Unfortunately, given the Gilbert Grape reality, I finally just decided I had to accept the need to 'suffer through it,' endure, pull up my socks, suck it up because what is, is. There's not much if anything I can do about how I feel given who I am (74, poor, single, neurotic, currently still unable to play tennis). It began to occur to me that maybe there would be something I could do about it IF I LOST 75#??
Somehow I began experiencing my PHYSICAL feelings. I still see myself as slim and strong, so that was difficult. I enjoy taking pictures of my fat self, but I don't think I ever recognize that person.
But I can't help but notice that that person can't sit on the floor to do yoga because of the knee, can't do downward dog in a Silver Sneakers SENIOR YOGA CLASS because of the knee and the toe, and hasn't played tennis (the only thing that has ever made me feel good) since January because of the knee. So PHYSICAL feelings are definitely becoming more relevant.
Goodness, I spent all those years lifting weights, but I can't lift 75#! But good grief, I'm CARRYING 75# AROUND WITH ME!!!! Maybe I really would feel better if I lost 75#...Maybe my knee really would get better if I made life easier for it by taking off some weight...Maybe I would be able to breathe more easily?
So anyway last week, August 25, I threw away the remaining bread and the empty ice cream cartons, stocked up on Atkins frozen dinners, and started looking for ketosis again.
How long will it last this time? Who knows. I'm trying to psych myself into a world view that is not focused on eating, but that's really hard to do when I have to ensure that I get 90 g of protein and less than 20 of carbs. It'd probably be easier, ok it would definitely be easier, to not do ketosis, but I really want my muscles!! Plus I seem to remember that I actually felt better (which would mean psychologically) on ketosis. Nevertheless, the 'world view' must be long term--at least a year, which might as well be considered as permanent.
Ultimately, it may turn out that THIS is what the karmic purpose of the knee injury was: to finally get me to move past psychological feelings into the physical. Interestingly, given that my physical feelings are by definition mine alone, intensely personal, not dependent on anyone else, is that I have also been trying to become more selfish. That probably sounds weird, but I have always been a person who viewed everyone else as more valuable than myself. I'm not at all sure how or even if this is related to binging, but this year--since the knee accident in January--I see myself removing my rose colored glasses, learning that ultimately I and I alone am the only person who I can trust to be there for me. I am learning to stop waiting for someone, something 'out there.' It appears that part of that process is becoming comfortable being alone and anti-social (which I definitely am), accepting responsibility for my own boredom.
Well, enough already. Let's see how it goes...
