...and ONE more time!!

After months of binging on carbs--B&J every day!!--I finally got back on the wagon. Two questions:

1. Why?
2. How long will I stay there?

Well, the Why? maybe hitting 223 on the scale, saying "wow, this is the most I've ever weighed." I always kinda feel like a little kid, cutting of my nose to spite my face. "It's not fair!" "I can do what I want!" "You can't make me!" Lots of anger and resentment. But finally my adult intelligence comes into play, and I think of Gilbert Grape's mother (Darlene Cates) again...

If you see yourself gaining a pound a day, how can you not realize that in less than a year you'll weigh 400# just like Darlene. Is B&J THAT good? Hell no! B&J really isn't even that good! (I'd started to prefer plain vanilla!!!)

My friend Bob Squared always said, to my great annoyance, "You'll feel better if you lose weight." But my problem with weight was that it has never had an effect on how I felt--psychologically. I KNEW losing weight would not make me feel better in the only way that mattered to me!!  Sweets make me feel better...at least for the length of time I feel sweetness in my mouth.So everyone knows that eating sweets makes a person feel good. (In desperation I resumed taking Prozac a month ago, so I haven't been feeling b*a*d, but neither was I ever feeling good.) Unfortunately, given the Gilbert Grape reality, I finally just decided I had to accept the need to 'suffer through it,' endure, pull up my socks, suck it up because what is, is. There's not much if anything I can do about how I feel given who I am (74, poor, single, neurotic, currently still unable to play tennis). It began to occur to me that maybe there would be something I could do about it IF I LOST 75#??

Somehow I began experiencing my PHYSICAL feelings. I still see myself as slim and strong, so that was difficult. I enjoy taking pictures of my fat self, but I don't think I ever recognize that person.

But I can't help but notice that that person can't sit on the floor to do yoga because of the knee, can't do downward dog in a Silver Sneakers SENIOR YOGA CLASS because of the knee and the toe, and hasn't played tennis (the only thing that has ever made me feel good) since January because of the knee. So PHYSICAL feelings are definitely becoming more relevant.

Goodness, I spent all those years lifting weights, but I can't lift 75#! But good grief, I'm CARRYING 75# AROUND WITH ME!!!! Maybe I really would feel better if I lost 75#...Maybe my knee really would get better if I made life easier for it by taking off some weight...Maybe I would be able to breathe more easily? 

So anyway last week, August 25, I threw away the remaining bread and the empty ice cream cartons, stocked up on Atkins frozen dinners, and started looking for ketosis again.

How long will it last this time? Who knows. I'm trying to psych myself into a world view that is not focused on eating, but that's really hard to do when I have to ensure that I get 90 g of protein and less than 20 of carbs. It'd probably be easier, ok it would definitely be easier, to not do ketosis, but I really want my muscles!! Plus I seem to remember that I actually felt better (which would mean psychologically) on ketosis. Nevertheless, the 'world view' must be long term--at least a year, which might as well be considered as permanent.

Ultimately, it may turn out that THIS is what the karmic purpose of the knee injury was: to finally get me to move past psychological feelings into the physical. Interestingly, given that my physical feelings are by definition mine alone, intensely personal, not dependent on anyone else, is that I have also been trying to become more selfish. That probably sounds weird, but I have always been a person who viewed everyone else as more valuable than myself. I'm not at all sure how or even if this is related to binging, but this year--since the knee accident in January--I see myself removing my rose colored glasses, learning that ultimately I and I alone am the only person who I can trust to be there for me. I am learning to stop waiting for someone, something 'out there.' It appears that part of that process is becoming comfortable being alone and anti-social (which I definitely am), accepting responsibility for my own boredom.

Well, enough already. Let's see how it goes...

Dieting Causes Weight Gain???

THIS article is a real bummer!

Essentially it's saying that dieting causes weight gain. Pathetic. Next thing you know I'll be the mother in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?"

The Net Carb Debate

Should I or shouldn't I buy an Atkins treat? Unfortunately, you can't buy just one, and I know myself: if there are 5 (or 10) there, I'll eat them all. So I eventually decided not to buy one. While deciding, though, I researched Atkins treats and discovered "new carbs." Oh dear. And sorry, but I'm with WebMD, and I don't buy it. Check out the net carb debate.

"Our report concludes that there is no substitute for the simple formula that 'calories in must equal calories out' in order to control weight," says FDA Acting Commissioner Lester Crawford in a news release announcing the report.

I've discovered that having a cup of hot chocolate--100% cocoa and a smidgen of stevia--helps out. So I think I'll go have one now!!!

The girl can't help it

http://nyti.ms/1O9wvTd

Fascinating article! Sounds like keeping the weight off requires eternal vigilance! Never again buying a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and never stopping your exercise regimen. My grandmother was obese--now I wonder if this is why my life has been a round of dieting and binging for years. I wish the article had said something about how to INCREASE your metabolism!

Back in the Saddle Again

This is a nice motivation for me because it's about where I am. Being laid up for three months with the $%^&*() knee (totalled the car and broke my kneecap on 1/15) and no exercise gave me an excuse to eat instead. Gained, well, back to probably 210#, but in April I got back on board and have been Ketosis totally. Feel like I look good, lost some fat, weigh 204# today.

Knee is still in bad shape; I am way too impatient. However, started doing Tai Chi and am in Eldercize's Fischer yoga class (even tho I can't do anything requiring a bent right leg!) With Scott I just do upper body and core.

Hangin' In There

Anger Management

Went to see "Star Wars" on Christmas Eve, and was sooooo disappointed that afterwards I went to Walgreens and bought a 2# box of Whitman chocolates...and ate it all up within an hour. Pathetic. By Christmas day I was realllly in a funk. Yes, I know exercise will cure that, so when Scott texted that he wanted to postpone our workout til 11:30 or Saturday, I said "fate, see you next Wednesday." Then eat pasta, pasta, pasta; then get on the scale to see if you've crossed the line back up to over 200. OOps, not quite yet.

It's very clear to me that all this is anger. Life's not fair. So what? Something new? Why take it out on yourself? Unless the real you, deep inside, really DOES want to weight 300# and never leave your bed? Really?? Don't think so. Really. I suspect the real you wants to be moving all the time. Probably ought to go for a bike ride even if it is only 32 degrees. Dress for it, for God's sake. It's not even snowing!